Sitting With, Not Fixing, Your Child’s Emotions

Recently, I’ve noticed a growing trend in my sessions with children and their parents. Parenting has shifted dramatically over the years, and for the first time in history, our culture is truly beginning to value the feelings and needs of children. This is such an important step forward.

However, I’ve also noticed the pendulum swinging to the other extreme: at times, there seems to be almost a fear of children’s emotions.

Here’s what I mean. I’ll often observe a child playing with their parent in my office. The child bumps their head and immediately looks to the parent. The parent responds either with, “Oh no! You’re okay, be strong!” or “Oh no! Let me kiss it and make it better!” before the child even has the opportunity to feel their pain, let alone choose how they respond to it.

Neither of these responses is “bad.” Most often, parents are simply trying to do the opposite of what was modeled for them growing up. Many of us grew up with “shake it off” or with our pain being ignored altogether. Today’s parents don’t want to repeat that pattern, so they lean toward fixing. And, in my opinion, that in itself is progress.

The problem is that both dismissing and rescuing can send the same subtle message: you can’t handle pain, disappointment, or sadness.

This shows up with teenagers, too. Parents don’t want to hurt their child, but they also don’t want to make the feelings more intense. So they minimize, distract, or fix.

My challenge for parents is this: sit with it. Sit with their (and your own) discomfort, pain, and disappointment. Feelings do not cripple us; they humanize us. That is why your child is looking to you when they experience these emotions. They are searching for connection and validation. They are asking: Do you see this pain? Do you care that this hurt me? Does it matter how I feel? Will I be okay?

Your response is half of their experience. If they are trusting you with sharing their pain, you are given an opportunity for connection. You don’t need to do anything. Don’t leave them or rush to calm them; be with them. That is essentially what we are all looking for in our relationships: to know we are not alone in our pain. They need to know that too.

When your daughter falls and looks at you, you don’t need to rush over or avoid her gaze. Instead, meet her eyes. Let her emotional experience guide you, and respond with attunement and safety. She doesn’t need rescuing, but she does need validation.

“That hurt.”

“That looked painful.”

When your son comes home embarrassed because his friends made fun of him for not having a date to homecoming, don’t brush it off with “It’s no big deal,” “It’s just high school,” or “Just don’t be friends with them anymore.” Instead, reflect what he’s feeling:

“Wow, it’s so hard to feel alone.”

“Jokes can be really hurtful, even if they come from your friends.”

This doesn’t fix the problem, but it gives him space to feel. And in the long run, that’s what builds resilience, confidence, and trust.

We are moving in the right direction by valuing children. Now the invitation is to slow down and embrace your child’s emotional experience. Those are the moments that teach children how to handle their feelings. They learn they don’t have to run from them, hide them, or numb them. They don’t need rescuing, and they don’t need dismissing.

What they need most is the safety of your attunement and stability. They need to know their emotions won’t overwhelm or burden you. That is how you teach them to connect, and ultimately, to love, themselves and those around them.