How to Reduce Oppositional Behaviors in Children: The Profound Impact of Child-Led Play
One concept I teach parents is what can be classified as child-led play. For some parents, this is only a modification of how they play with their child, a transition from regular play to something more intentional. For others, this is a whole new approach to play. Essentially, I encourage parents to spend between 10–30 minutes a week playing whatever their child wants. During this time, the rules are simply: the child is the boss, the expert, or leader.
For example, if 7-year-old Keisha wants to play doctor, where you (the parent) are the patient, this is what you do. You do not guide, encourage, teach, or lead any part of this small playtime. If Keisha wants you to lay down while she performs surgery on your knee, you do that. This may seem meaningless or a waste of time, but I have witnessed countless times the profound work that can occur during this time.
When children are given a safe space of healthy empowerment, without judgment, agendas, or teaching, they are less likely to take control in other, less pleasant ways. Behaviors related to defiance and opposition are reduced. This is because children have very little control over their lives. Sometimes they can control what they eat or when they use the bathroom. But outside of this, they are told where to go, when to get there, how to get there, who to be there with, how long they they are there, and so on.
While children thrive on structure and guidance, they also require an outlet to feel in control. This often comes out sideways when children are not provided with this. They may refuse to eat food they typically love. They suddenly don’t want to go to their soccer game anymore. They refuse to get in the car seat. The all-too-well-known “No!” becomes their favorite line. This is happening because their brains are growing, learning and changing. Believe it or not, when your 4-year-old tells you “no!”, they are actually behaving in a developmentally appropriate way. That does not reduce the irritation but it should provide some encouragement that it will pass, they won’t get stuck there.
When children do not feel they have the power to say no or to challenge, we are dealing with another issue. One that is much more complex and often takes longer to work through. (More on this in another blog post!)
So, to avoid the constant headache of “no’s” from your child, give 10–30 minutes of constant “yes’s.” “Yes, I will play sword fighting.” “Yes, we can go watch Toy Story (again!).” “Yes, I will play hide and seek in our one bedroom apartment.” Yes. Yes. Yes.
There are boundaries and limitations to this. Obviously, everyone should stay safe. When you do have to set a limit, make it work with the desired play. Don’t let the 6 year old drive your car. Rather, let them sit in your lap and pretend they are driving, but keep the car parked. Don’t let the 10 year old throw balls at houses. Instead, let them throw balls at trees or insignificant objects. Children appreciate and understand these parameters and feel safe when given freedom with limits.
If child-led play is done once a week, it is around .3% of the entire week. If you do it once a day, that’s 2% of their day. That is a gift even the busiest adults can give children.
Lastly, if you find yourself struggling to relinquesh such control, struggle to not be the teacher, expert or boss, that is okay. This is something that a lot of adults struggle with and it’s understandable. My advice is during the play, sit on your hands and just say “okay".” For example, if Levi wants to play teacher and you are the student, some may struggle to remain led by the child when something seems off. Let’s say Levi says “2+2=3!” Your impulses is going to be to correct him. However, this is not the time to teach your child 2+2=4. If you struggle to relinquesh power, just say “okay.” This is NOT your time to lead or teach. They will not unlearn all math skills and cognitively deteriate by you agreeing with their wrong math. Additionally, it could also be a test. The child could be saying “Do I really get control here? Do I get to be the boss, even if I do something you wouldn’t do?” “Can you really let me lead?” The longing underneath is simple and deeply important for children to be able to process. It is: Do you love me unconditionally? Even if I am wrong, even if I am mean, demanding or (fill in the blank)?
This can also be done and effective with adults who are only a part of a child’s life. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, babysitters and others can be the small part of a child’s life they feel safe and seen in. Healthy attachments are learned and created when adults play with children. I hope you will try it and be a part of a community of adults that are intentionally doing things to promote the health, brain development and overall resilience of the tiny humans in our lives.