How to Help Someone Through a Crisis
When someone you love experiences a devastating loss or crisis, it can be hard to know what to do.
There is no perfect thing to say. There is no handbook for this.
You may feel completely unsure of yourself, and that is okay. You do not have to fix what happened. You can simply help someone get through the next hour, the next day, and eventually the next week.
Here are some things that can help.
Stay Close
Be there. Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply having a warm body in close proximity of them.
If someone has suddenly lost the person they lived with, the silence and loneliness can be especially overwhelming. Consider having family or friends rotate staying with them for the first few days or weeks.
You do not have to talk constantly. Sometimes just being a warm body nearby is enough.
Keep checking in after the funeral and after the initial wave of support has faded.
Walk Together
Take a walk every day if you can.
You do not have to talk about the crisis during the walk.
Movement, fresh air, sunlight, and being with another person can give the body and brain a small break from the intensity of grief.
Exercise can also support sleep, mood, stress regulation, and overall brain health during periods of significant stress.
Take Care of the Basics
During a crisis, basic things can become incredibly difficult.
Help them remember to:
Eat something.
Drink water.
Shower.
Change clothes.
Sleep.
Take medications as prescribed.
Get outside.
Move their body.
Sometimes caring for someone looks like saying, "You don't have to figure everything out right now. Let's eat something."
Co-Regulate
One of the most powerful things you can offer is your own calm presence.
When someone's nervous system is overwhelmed, another person who is calm, grounded, and present can help create a sense of safety.
Slow your own breathing.
Speak calmly.
Sit with them.
Do not feel like you have to stop their emotions.
Remind them that they do not have to handle everything at once.
You can even practice the physiological sigh together:
Inhale through your nose → take a second small inhale → slowly exhale through your mouth.
Try several rounds together and encourage them to practice it throughout the day.
You do not have to say, "Calm down."
You can say, "Let's take a few breaths together."
Let Them Cry
Let them cry.
Let them cry again ten minutes later.
Let them cry while eating dinner.
Let them cry when something unexpectedly reminds them of the person they lost.
Grief is not predictable.
You do not have to make the crying stop.
Sometimes "I'm right here" is enough.
Bring Food
There is a reason cultures and communities have been bringing food to grieving families for generations.
Food trains, casseroles, groceries, and someone simply showing up with dinner are forms of care.
They communicate:
"You don't have to take care of everything right now. We will take care of some things for you."
Make dinner. Organize a meal train. Bring breakfast. Drop off groceries.
It does not have to be fancy.
Get Professional Support
Friends and family are incredibly important, but they cannot provide everything someone may need.
Therapy can give someone a place to process what happened without having to worry about taking care of everyone else's emotions.
Professional support is especially important when someone is struggling to function, experiencing overwhelming guilt or hopelessness, using substances to cope, or having thoughts of hurting themselves.
You Don't Have to Fix It
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this:
You cannot fix someone's grief.
You don't have to have the right words.
You don't have to make it better.
You just have to keep showing up.
Take the walk.
Bring the food.
Sit beside them.
Take a few breaths together.
Let them cry.
Help them get through the basics.
And remind them:
"I don't know exactly what to do either. But I'm here, and you don't have to go through this alone."